castnet | IC contact.

is there really a correlation between the two?

[...] No. For some reason, I thought this would be a smooth way to start the conversation.

don't mind me bristling I'm [...] just on edge with everything that's happened today. and recently. and the past two years, y'know

so what, do you want me to just word vomit at you or something?

No vomit, please.

Maybe we can start with something light. If you were not afraid of how people perceive you, how do you think your life would be different?

I think we have varying definitions of light (half-joking)

uh, I'd probably be a bit more carefree, and wouldn't go out of my way to play a part, at times. probably wouldn't have to make as many jokes if I was more comfortable with being judged.

[...] You feel you play a part?

[...] doesn't everyone when they feel uncomfortable? or at least act not how you're feeling, but how you think makes the most sense? which probably doesn't make any sense, in itself, at all...

No, I know what you mean. [...] I guess you [...] seem so natural and comfortable whenever I see you. I was surprised. Though I suppose I would not be able to tell if you were faking that comfort.

that's all part of the plan 😎👉👉

in seriousness, there's a part of me that's smugly satisfied to see you say that as I've spent decades cultivating this person I am; in how I present myself to the world. it also makes me wonder how long it'd take to undo some of these habits.

Hm. So from what you have said, you spent decades cultivating a persona. It seems this fear of being perceived started even before your divorces. Is this correct?

[...] What are you afraid of people seeing?

I [...] suppose so.

I'm not entirely sure. any number of negative facets of my personality that I feel make up a much larger part of me than others might realize? reading that back sounds like the most melodramatic thing ever

[...] maybe it has to do with being told I was "too loud" or "too much" or "too ___" growing up by a number of important people

Ah. Told you are too loud, too much, too anything. Become a disaffected jokester who does not care.

guess there's really not that much to it, after all

[...] hope this wasn't too disappointing

[sent 13 second later]
that wasn't supposed to be a joke, but also it works

Hm. I suspect there is a bit more to you than two sentences sent via pink Sidekick. But nice try, all the same.

perhaps

what else do you want to know?

What would it look like if you let all the things you are hiding rise to the surface?

Also, I have something of a selfish confession to make.

I [...] don't know. I think that's what I'm scared of the most, that I wouldn't like who I am without being able to hide things. what if I really am too loud or too much?

[...] [...] oh?

Well, if you really are too loud I would not recommend getting in touch with your true self until after the horde has been dealt with. (Joke.) [...] I think the great trial in many people's lives is coming to terms with who they are. Whether that is learning to like themselves or learning to manage.

Selfishly, I am enjoying this conversation. All I have to do is read what you say and learn a bit more about you. Most of the time I feel some level of nervousness about determining the right thing to say, but there are no "right" things, now.

ha HA :P where do you see yourself on that range? I'd like to be among those that can say they truly like themselves, though suppose only time will tell.

just wait until I turn it around on you and start asking probing questions. [...] it is nice to be able to just throw this stuff out there, I'll admit. suppose I should be thanking you for the opportunity or figuring out some way to repay you.

~~I hate being myself.~~ I manage. And I think you will like yourself. You are a likable person, manufactured persona notwithstanding.

Don't thank me. It feels good to have this conversation with you. Like I am being useful to you.

I think most of us do, honestly. you're not half bad yourself, y'know. don't seem to give yourself enough grace, but.

[...] what are friends for, after all?

I keep meaning to ask how your shoulder is doing.

Edited 2024-11-04 08:34 (UTC)

Hm. Flattery will get you nowhere, Court. I do not think we are done talking about you but we can take a break for now. Next: your childhood.

I should rest more than I do. But you could say the same about anyone in the Quad. I like the way you wrapped it, though. The bandage stays in place while I work, and it maintains a nice pressure on the scabs. Oh yes, they've scabbed over now.

I'm allowed to make observations as I see fit. such as: why are you doing this when you don't owe me anything? that's a question, but same thing

you should, but I agree with your statement we're all overworked and overly tired. let me know if it gets dirty or wet and I can re-wrap it for you again. [...] well, when there's the chance.

I enjoy talking to you. I enjoy learning about you. [...] To be frank, Court, I think I do owe you, for permitting me to be your friend. This is a privilege I do not take lightly. [...] But I understand these are not very fun things for me to say.

Maggie can also re-wrap it for now. Although she will not be pleased.

I enjoy talking to you too, John. it's nice to have conversations that don't just revolve around zeds or the crisis of the week. [...] and you keep pointing out how not very fun you view yourself, maybe that's something to be looked into there in the vein of uncovering insecurities.

that she has to doctor to people? is that not her job as far as Lundegaard goes?

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